It’s a conundrum: we want to be close, but we can’t do without our space. The Spanish proverb for today has two no-nonsense pieces of advice for those in the thick of things: ‘When you love someone you’ll suffer pain, whether from empathy or jealousy,’ and ‘Where people love you very much, don’t go often.’ Put them side by side and they make a case for a kind of love that is both deep and sensible.
Love hurts because we care
You won’t find any sugar-coating in the first of these. It is a fact we tend to come to terms with once we’ve put our hearts on the line: when you care, you are at the mercy of the other person’s moods and misfortunes.
If they are up, you are up; if they are down, you feel it. There is nothing weak about that. It is just what happens when you are tied to someone.
Empathy’s ache and jealousy’s sting
The old saying makes a distinction between where the unease comes from. Empathy will give you the soft pain of shouldering what another is going through. Jealousy is more of a jab, usually born of some fear of losing something you hold dear.
They are both a sign of how connected you are, but they don’t call for the same thing. You let empathy be your cue to be there for them. With jealousy, you have to be honest with yourself and set some limits.
Don’t mistake the hurt for the whole of love. It is just what you get for being close. If you can tell which one is talking, you can decide how to handle it rather than just going with the flow.
Try this when things get a little raw:
– Put a name to it, but don’t make it an accusation
– Wonder what the feeling is after all
– Do one small, kind thing
– Be the one to ask for or give some reassurance
– Take a breather if you’re overwhelmed
Do not wear out welcome: space protects affection
Hear the second one and you might think it’s odd. Why would you stay away from those who value you? Well, even the best of intentions can become white noise if you are around too much.
‘Where people love you very much, don’t go often’ isn’t telling you to make yourself scarce. It is to make sure that what is between you doesn’t just become part of the furniture.
Be there on purpose, not out of habit. If you leave some room, a visit is a visit and a text is a text. They mean something.
In a hyperconnected world, absence has value
These days we are told to be in touch at all hours. Your phone is never quiet and being available is taken for granted. There’s a way of looking at it that the old proverb puts back in focus: for love to keep its colour, it has to have some room to breathe.
You might think space is the enemy of commitment, but it can be the thing that renews it. A little time apart is what lets you see the bond for what it is and be thankful for it.
Here are a few unobtrusive ways to hold on to that appreciation without putting up walls:
– Be there with an end in mind, not just to pass the hours
– Let some anticipation build
– Be specific when you say thanks
– Make room for the quiet
– Put as much thought into your effort as you can
Why these lessons stick
The Spanish have a way of boiling down hard feelings into simple language. These two proverbs have a longevity to them because they get at the truth of how we’re made: being part of something raises the stakes, and if you don’t tend to it, gratitude will wither.
Take the first one. It gives some cover to being vulnerable. It tells you that if love feels like a burden now and then, you haven’t failed. When you are put out by another’s pain, your empathy is just working as it should.
It doesn’t shy away from jealousy, either. That’s a fact of life in any serious relationship. The point isn’t to put on a brave face and ignore it, but to figure out what it’s after. Usually, it’s a nudge to be more open or to stand a bit firmer in yourself.
Then you have the second, which is all about the ebb and flow. You can have the most amiable friends or the coziest house, but even they need you to bring some perspective to the table, not just your company.
“Don’t go where you are loved” is a way of saying: don’t let affection become a given. Give a relationship some air and you’ll find you value it more.
Making it part of the day-to-day
These proverbs are only as good as what you do with them. If you’re feeling the weight of someone else’s troubles, don’t put two and two together in your head-ask them what they need. And if you catch a whiff of jealousy, put it on the table in a kind way before it starts to run your actions.
If things have gone a bit stale from too much of the same, change the tune. Have less, but better, contact. Be present because you want to be, not because you have to.
This isn’t about loving any less. It’s about being clear-eyed about it. Knowing when to close in and when to give an inch is what makes a connection feel real.
Loving well, for today
Put one of these to work this week. Is someone you’re near having a hard time? Let that move you to do one concrete thing for them. Are you on edge? Call it what it is and look for some balance.
Or if you’re in the orbit of those who adores you all the time, try some distance. Show up with some purpose and you’ll see the appreciation come around.
In the end, both proverbs are saying the same thing. Love is something you put in the work to form, not just a hankering. It takes some nerve to let yourself feel and some sense to hold back. Do that and you won’t lose the luster in your relationships.
