If you’re still going over what happened during your day while your partner is already asleep and snoring, you aren’t imagining things. Lots of women take longer to fall asleep and sleep less deeply than men. Dr Christopher J Allen, a sleep specialist, recently explained this, and pointed to hormones, how a woman is feeling, stress levels, and how much caregiving she’s doing as the main reasons.
Why men seem to fall asleep faster
On average, men tend to fall asleep more quickly and then sleep through the night more steadily. Some of this is due to biology. Women’s sleep is usually lighter and gets interrupted more easily, particularly at specific times in their menstrual cycle and at different points in their lives.
The amount of time it takes to fall asleep (sleep latency) is often shorter for men, even if both are feeling stressed. An anxious man might still be asleep within a few minutes, but a woman in the same situation might stay awake as her brain continues to think about worries and things she needs to do.
This doesn’t mean women are destined to have bad sleep, or that all men have wonderful sleep. These are general trends, not unbreakable rules. However, understanding why the problem happens can make it easier to fix.
Hormones that shape women’s sleep
Big changes in hormones are a key reason women and men sleep differently. Unlike men, where the hormones relating to sleep stay pretty much the same, women’s levels of estrogen and progesterone regularly go up and down. These two hormones control how easily you fall asleep and how deeply you sleep.
The days before a period
As progesterone levels fall in the later part of the menstrual cycle (the late luteal phase), Dr Allen says sleep becomes lighter and you wake up more during the night. Around their periods, many women also have cramps, headaches or bloating, which also disturbs their sleep. The result of all this is shorter, more broken sleep and a groggy feeling in the morning.
Perimenopause and menopause
During perimenopause and menopause, estrogen levels decrease. This can also break up sleep, and hot flashes or night sweats can wake you up a lot. Some women also start snoring more or have changes in their breathing as their hormones change, making it even harder to get a good, solid, restful sleep.
Stress, mood, and the midnight mental load
There’s a strong link between how you’re feeling emotionally and your sleep. Women are roughly twice as likely as men to have anxiety and depression. Poor sleep can make your mood worse and anxiety can make sleep worse – they feed into each other, creating a cycle of worrying and being awake.
Stress doesn’t affect everyone’s brain the same way when they go to bed. Dr Allen says a man might fall asleep in about ten minutes despite being stressed, but many women stay awake. A lot of thinking, making plans and worrying can keep the nervous system active when it should be calming down.
Stopping this cycle often needs changes in habits and, if necessary, help for anxiety or depression. The aim is to calm your mind before you go to bed and reduce the number of times you wake up during the night, which keeps the tiredness and worrying going.
Caregiving keeps the brain on alert
The amount of mental work many women do doesn’t switch off at night. Looking after a baby, caring for a sick child, or just keeping track of everyone’s schedule in your head can keep your brain ‘on alert’. Even while you’re asleep, that being on guard makes your rest lighter and easier to interrupt.
These caring tasks aren’t just time-consuming, they also require a lot of mental energy. If you’re always listening for a baby’s cry, a message on your phone or someone opening the door, your sleep is likely to be in a state of half-alertness. Over time, this lighter sleep makes you more tired, even after a full night in bed.
What couples can do to sleep better
Be consistent with what time you go to bed and wake up, even on Saturday and Sunday. Having a routine helps your body fall asleep quicker.
Have a 30 to 60 minute period to calm down before bed. Dim the lights, put your phone and computer away, and try gentle stretching, a warm bath or reading something quiet.
After midday, cut down on caffeine and don’t have big meals, alcohol or intense exercise within a few hours of going to bed. These can delay sleep and wake you up.
Make the bedroom cool, use breathable sheets and think about each person having their own duvet to avoid temperature changes and interrupted sleep.
Share the caregiving at night. Take turns with getting up early, set the phone alarms to go to one person’s phone only, or use baby monitors with a schedule so one partner can sleep without being disturbed.
If hormone changes are causing problems, keep track of them. Change your bedtime routine to match your cycle and talk to a doctor about options for perimenopause or bad PMS.
If stress and worry are the main issue, think about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I), relaxation exercises or mindfulness. These can help you fall asleep quicker and wake up less during the night.
If you snore, gasp for air, or don’t feel rested when you wake up, see a doctor to be tested for things like sleep apnea, restless legs, or mood problems. Treating the root cause can make a huge difference.
In short: Women frequently sleep worse than their partners because of changes in hormones, how likely they are to experience certain moods, how they react to stress and the amount of caregiving they do. This isn’t because they aren’t trying hard enough. With the correct approaches and help, both people can get the deeper, more consistent sleep they need.
